I thought I would take this post to tell you a little about me and my story.

I find it hard to write about myself. Where do I begin? What is interesting for you to know? And what is relevant to the weight wellness journey?

I guess what I will first tell you is there is not one event, or even one psychological or physical reason I feel I have contended with extra weight through the years. It is complex and multifactorial. I think we perhaps do ourselves a disservice if we try to reduce it down to one reason. It is rarely, if ever, true. I think the key thing in going forward, however, is to understand those things in which we are able to impact change.

If I reflect back to childhood, I can remember the first time in which I experienced negativity related to my body. In the 4th grade, I was living in upstate New York, and during PE, we would often be asked to run laps around the playground. I was perhaps chubbier than average but not a lot. And, I didn’t know this at the time, but I had exercise-induced asthma, which in the cold New York weather, was made even worse. This meant I was slow, found it hard to breathe, and often near the back of the pack. The name Turtle was sent my way a few times, and it hurt.

As an adolescent, as I imagine was the case for most teenage girls, I wanted to look and be like everyone else. I always felt huge as a size 12 in high school compared to my friends that were 4s and 6s. In college, with food freedom and a building of emotional eating, I graduated with about 30 lbs more than I started with. With a rocky and emotional first post-graduation years, I added on another 30lbs. And over the years it would continue going up.

It’s clear that food as medication is a significant part of my story, in addition to the cravings that come with eating addictive and insulin producing foods that reinforces the cycle. But there are other things that I think factor in as well. To what percentage can be attributed to each factor would be hard to say. Clearly some more than others, but it all still plays a role. I think our food environment, and incorrect nutritional education plays a part. I think food as celebration and reward is a part. I think genetic predisposition plays a part.

Then, of course there were attempts to lose it. To recap in brief what some of that entailed: very low-fat diets, exercising 2 hours a day, Taebo, Atkins, the Master Cleanse, multiple Weight Watchers attempts. This list goes on.

However, what I see now when I look at this list was that it was all focused on behaviors, not on fully addressing the root causes. Not focusing on allowing my body to be well, but instead feeling like I had to force it get there. Not having the realization that it was a mind, body, spirit endeavor. I also certainly didn’t always treat myself with kindness during these times, but likely a lot of shame and self-blame.

But, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I don’t share this story as a sad one. I don’t feel sad about it all, actually. I am who I am from all I experienced, and I believe I am exactly who I need to be. I share it in the hopes that you may relate to it, and that it may help you to think of your story in a larger context. We can learn from our stories, but they are not us. Who we are is much bigger than that. What we can do with these stories is to let them help us in choosing and understanding our best path forward, and what it is we want to create today.

What is different now? What have I learned? I am more curious, not condemning. I am more kind, not cruel to myself. I am doing what is sustainable, not speedy. I am willing to not be perfect, but know that it is all a practice. A practice in aligning myself with nature, with connecting to all facets of my being, cultivating confidence and new ways to mediate stress, of allowing and not forcing, and working with the causes, not the symptoms.

It’s not about weight loss, it’s about wellness. It’s about gaining. Gaining freedom, love, peace, and balance.

When you reflect on your story and history, what do you take from it? How does it inform what you are doing today? What feelings does it elicit? Who will you be today?

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(Photo: Prom 1991)