This is the post I don’t want to write. But, I know it is important to write. When I really thinking about it, there shouldn’t be any reason I should hesitate to. It’s real life. I know many of you have experienced it too. What I am talking about? Weight regain. Let me just lay it all out there.

When I started blogging last year, I had lost about 45 lbs, ultimately getting to about 55 lbs lost. With an aim to lose about 40 more past that. Then, last summer I was in a steady state for a little while. Not intentionally. Interestingly, I had hit just about the weight where I got to the last time I had lost significant weight some years back and had stalled there.

I know I was starting to hit unknown territory and that scared me. I was on the cusp on wearing normal sizes and edging into the land of looking more of an average weight, and less overweight. A place I hadn’t been since college years. I think I had fear about who I was becoming. Even though I had very purposefully only gone about losing weight in a way that was sustainable, I still had fear about letting myself be fully seen, and no longer having a buffer to tuck myself behind.

Just when I was feeling like I was making mental headway on these issues, I went into a particularly stressful time which shifted me into survival mode. While I had had a great year of healthy habits prior, and had made a ton of progress, my coping-through-food neural superhighway was there, and seemingly beckoning me to take the easy exit to deal with my stress. And I did. I was mostly aware of the choices I was making and not making, but couldn’t seem to help myself. I think that I hadn’t yet become solid enough in other resilience strategies to overcome what had “worked” for me so many times in the past. Over these several months, I gained back about 40 lbs. Once I had deviated, I had to heal from some of the stress I was dealing with, allow myself to regroup, before I could start making forward momentum again. In December, I was mentally just about there, and this January I started where I was, and started to rebuild healthy habits.

Yes, I wasn’t excited about the regain. But, there is no advantage to letting any shame take hold. The reality is that so often these side steps are part of the process, and we’d be wise to do our best to prepare for the possibility of them. Also, it wasn’t a waste in the least. I learned a lot through it. I learned where I have room to work on resilience, and that sometimes survival mode is ok. Just hopefully next time I will have strengthened my skill set and be able to choose other things than food to get me through. Also, with some coaching, self-reflection, and life lessons, I don’t think I will face the same fears at the as I lose weight this time. I am more aware, and more confident. If I felt bad about this period, it would only make it that much more difficult to get forward momentum going again. It is ok to be gentle and kind with ourselves. Treat ourselves like we would a friend in the same situation. Allow ourselves to recalibrate, reassess and take the step forward without layering on any negative thoughts.

So where I am now? It’s the beginning of February, and I’ve taken a lot of positive steps. Firstly, I started again tracking what I eat in My Fitness Pal to increase awareness. I haven’t done every single day but I’ve started rebuilding the habit, and working on the consistency commitment is next. And instead of a complete food overhaul, I have set a target of keeping my added/refined sugar to a low amount each day, less than 25g per day as just a way to qualify and see my own trends. Paying attention to my water intake and trying to increase to get 8 cups a day. Taking my vitamins daily. I have also started a habit tracker tool, so I can see visually what I have done in a month in a graphic snapshot.  (If you click the link for the habit tracker, you’ll see the type of tool I am referring to.) I have reengaged in journaling each day. And listening to inspiring podcasts and books.

I’d say that’s a pretty good start for a month. And I am looking forward to the months ahead, taking one step, one day at a time.